tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152495742335213181.post1812777633973776133..comments2015-02-19T14:39:00.825-08:00Comments on The First Five Pages: The Abduction of Mary Rose by Joan Hall HoveyAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03231167616332045313noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152495742335213181.post-44855829249878554962012-05-14T02:08:52.000-07:002012-05-14T02:08:52.000-07:00You grab the reader right from the top and that...You grab the reader right from the top and that's the way I like to get into a book. With minimal description you still manage to give us a sense of the main character, her background and her dire circumstances. Well done.Larrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152495742335213181.post-48328522635379923392012-04-05T05:11:07.000-07:002012-04-05T05:11:07.000-07:00The first couple of pages definitely left me wanti...The first couple of pages definitely left me wanting to know if the poor girl got away.kasci brantleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152495742335213181.post-23967958243400651322012-04-05T06:37:04.000-07:002012-04-05T06:37:04.000-07:00This website is a wonderful idea! It gives authors...This website is a wonderful idea! It gives authors an opportunity to gain exposure! As for this featured story, it gave me goosebumps. I cannot stand the thought of children being victims of ANY crime, especially one as disturbing as kidnapping. I found it well written and chillingly realistic. I, too, hope she gets away with nothing but really scary memories. Nice job.literaryagent01noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152495742335213181.post-38244140413519439812012-04-05T09:24:10.000-07:002012-04-05T09:24:10.000-07:00I LOVE the part where you compare the heat from th...I LOVE the part where you compare the heat from the engine to moster's breath. LOVE LOVE LOVE.<br><br>I didn't get the chance to read it all, but here are some suggested edits:<br><br>Reorganization: The teenage girl hurried along the darkening street with her head down, a vain attempt to divert the attention from herself as she made her way to the bus stop, still over a block away.<br><br>Added Words for Clarification: She had been thinking maybe she and Lisa would swim in the pond edged with the tall reeds, the one near her house...<br><br>Comma Omission: She didn't turn around, just kept on her way toward the bus stop, one foot in front of the other as fast as she could go without running.<br><br>Word Omission: They danced to songs by Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and a bunch more...<br><br>Punctuation: The car edged even closer to the curb. The man said something ugly and dirty out the window to her, making her face burn. She felt ashamed, as if she had done something wrong...<br><br>reword: She kept moving foward at a steady pace (you already used "one foot in front of the other")<br><br>Consider revision: ...but the pavement was next to none here and broken...<br><br>Punctuation: "You trying to get away from us?" He laughed.<br><br>Tense & Upper Case: ...coyotes that sometimes skulked around Grandfather's house...(Capitalize Grandfather where a name can take the place of it: e.g. The tie belonged to Grandfather vs. The tie belonged to his grandfather.)<br><br>Word Omission: There was no sidewalk at all, just the dirt path...<br><br>Revision: She fingered the pendant around her neck that he had made for her. It was a kind of talisman that kept evil spirits away.<br><br>Consider diff Verb: A taxi fled past, ...BipolarGirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152495742335213181.post-43899113530953654702012-04-05T09:44:50.000-07:002012-04-05T09:44:50.000-07:00Very nice...I wish I had an idea of what was to co...Very nice...I wish I had an idea of what was to come...guess I'll have to buy the book!tabitha_shortnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152495742335213181.post-60057708159494015222012-04-05T10:29:30.000-07:002012-04-05T10:29:30.000-07:00I love the way the author is so descriptive of the...I love the way the author is so descriptive of the setting and event. My heart just bleeds for the sweet young girl. I sure hope this story will have a good ending. I hope she escapes somehow and the men are caught. This author should give it a shot of writing about the end of times.Kim Holmesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152495742335213181.post-37877323148090846632012-04-05T21:30:45.000-07:002012-04-05T21:30:45.000-07:00Thanks so much Tabitha, for this great site and fo...Thanks so much Tabitha, for this great site and for inviting me. It's been such a pleasure to have my excerpt of the "Abduction of Mary Rose" here, and hope you'll enjoy the books. I appreciate all the kind comments more than you know. <br><br>Joan<br>www.joanhallhovey.comJoan Hall Hoveynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4152495742335213181.post-3368047277769517872012-04-10T13:31:11.000-07:002012-04-10T13:31:11.000-07:00I enjoyed these first few pages and am intrigued t...I enjoyed these first few pages and am intrigued to know where the story would lead. A great intro!<br><br>I think that where it jumps from third to first person (around the coyote part I think?) her internal dialogue should be italicized or something. It happens again later I think. It just seemed jarring and out of place to me. <br><br>But again, overall really grabbed me right from the start and I would be interested in reading more of this story!Robynnoreply@blogger.com